Finding style vs finding yourself

I am recently feeling like I’m in a weird creative space. As you may know, I have dived into the Youtube video tutorial world for a couple of months now. And it’s been rewarding, motivating, and I’ve found my teaching voice in this space of watercolour florals. But as the excitement of this shiny new identity of mine is starting to fade a bit, I’m left looking at my art and wondering where this is all going? I think maybe that’s what happens when an artist start to teach art. So much of the energy and focus turn into teaching and she or he gets a bit lost in her own art.

Today I laid out all my recent paintings and wondered what the story is behind all this. What am I expressing and is there a cohesive thread or something that I want to say? What it is and where? Is my style actually emerging or am I being too loose - painting whatever the hell I wanted whenever. (something I preach all the time!)

All these questions,

and decisions and expectations started to build and I started to feel a bit anxious and unsteady.

Then I did what I usually do when I needed to just ground myself.

I painted.

I painted the background to a painting I thought I completed yesterday. And just dropped into a nice gentle meditative flow state.

And I was reminded again, what this whole painting journey is for and is all about. It has been for me. A place of solace. An exploration of my world. And my world inside isn’t a cohesive, well put together collection of finished work. It’s unfinished! It’s raw, and crazy and hectic. It’s disparate. It’s here and there. It’s bright and dull at the same time. It's simple and complex. It’s nuanced and it’s me. Right here right now.

Lots of people have said to me I have a distinctive style. But the truth is that I don’t see it at all. And I think most artists who explore and experiment and push themselves also can’t see it. Because in their heads/world, it’s so many styles they are looking at, inspired by and trying.

Guess what I’m saying is that trust. Trust in your intuition. In your own exploration. In your path. And it’s hard when you see so much amazing artists and art out there to compare with. But if you put trust in yourself, and you put the practice in, you will see something emerging. You will see yourself emerge.